Part 3 – Taming That Beast in Your Head

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Last time, in part 2 – I described how our inner critic is in the habit of berating and threatening us at every turn. The critic’s negative assaults are so pervasive that we may not even be conscious of it while it’s happening. Yet the effects of such constant abuse show up in our lives in several ways – including tiredness (because it takes a lot of energy to put up with on-going criticism), depression, impatience, lack of inspiration or enthusiasm, and puzzling bad moods.

I explained that the inner critic actually wants to keep us safe, and although the critic’s delivery sucks – about 1% of its message contains valuable information – even while the other 99% is totally unnecessary, unusable, and toxic.

Becoming aware of and changing the abusive patterns of your inner critic is big and important work. Inner critic work is world work – work you are doing for the whole world – meaning your inner transformation will positively affect those around you, and meaning that the world at large is itself in need of a negative framework renovation.

I’m talking about transforming self-limiting programming that sees polarities as enemy images – like good/bad – and us/them. Such labels generate fear that in turn, is used to justify annihilating anything that represents otherness. Working with this dynamic inside of ourselves can shift us into seeing the advantages in diversity – and help us be more tolerant, curious, and appreciative of the wide diversity of human beings and other creatures with whom we share this planet.

This time I’ll give you some steps to try if you want to re-educate your critic so that it informs rather than attacks – collaborates rather than destroys – and becomes a truly productive member of your inner committee.

Remember that the inner critic wants you to play it safe – it shows up when you get close to the edges of your known identity – it’s an alarm that goes off when you’re about to enter unknown territory. Like all the parts of you, your inner critic needs to be recognized and appreciated – before it can return the favor and value (rather than criticize) the other parts of you.

So the first step is becoming aware of what your critic is actually saying, and appreciating the 1% of helpful information that it’s offering you. The second step is getting to the heart of truth that’s embedded in the 1% of your critics message. Once you’ve gotten to this point, you will see that your critic indeed does have something helpful to say to you – and then it will be easy to authentically appreciate the insight and innate good intentions of your critic.

When the critic feels appreciated and utilized, a flip point happens – and instead of being adversaries who see each other as the problem, you and your critic will be working as a team and focusing on the problem together.

Part 1 of the Inner Critic Taming Process:

The very first step is to separate what the critic is saying from how you are reacting – in other words – you need to separate your reaction from the stimulus. This is going to sound weird, but the best way to do this is to use your hands like puppets. Yes. This will help you get out of the usual pattern in your head, so that you can pay attention in a new way.

Here’s how it works:

1.  The first thing is to put the critic’s voice into one hand – and then imagine you’re putting the voice of the part of you that’s getting criticized into the other hand. Take your time – so you can notice that there’s a different quality of energy being represented in each of your hands. Feel into how the energy of the critic is different from the energy of the part getting criticized.

In one hand you have the critic: it’s the stimulus. In the other hand you have the one who the criticism is being aimed at: another part of you that’s having a reaction. Really feel into each hand – and bring these two very different energies to life, so that you can witness and understand both sides of the conversation. Truly act as if you’re a puppeteer and your hands are wearing the puppets of critic and criticized.

As an example of how this could look – let’s use the scenario from last time – where the critic attacks you to scare you away from dancing, by using mean warnings such as, “No one will want to dance with you.” Taking that statement as an example of a way your two hands could work this out, imagine that your critic hand says, “No one will want to dance with you,” and your wanting-to-dance hand says, “You’re right, it’s not worth the risk of being embarrassed or shamed.” In this case, the dancing-hand is giving in to the critic and now there’s no one standing up for the part of you that’s excited to try dancing. The critic has successfully stopped you from trying something new. That’s one way it typically plays out when the critic wins through intimidation, and you end up siding with it.

Now let’s explore things going a different way. Say you stand up for yourself in favor of going out dancing. It might look like this: the critic hand says, “No one will want to dance with you.” And then the dancing-hand replies, “I don’t know if that’s true. I’m going to give it a try and see.” Yay for standing up for your desire to dance! Alas – the critic probably won’t give up.

Many more insults are sure to follow in this bully’s attempt to win the debate. However, you’re now far ahead of where you have been before – simply because the bullied side of you is talking back and staying in touch with what it wants – instead of just giving up. Once you’re paying close attention to how the dialogue plays out, it’s likely that some feelings of sadness, or anger, or hopelessness might come up.

My theory is that differentiating between these two voices in your head, and consciously allowing a real two-way conversation to happen – builds new connections across two different parts of the brain. That’s a good thing. Inner bridges provide a model for how outer bridges can be constructed. Once you learn how to value your own inner diversity and work constructively with your own inner conflicts, you’ll be better equipped to deal with diversity and conflict in your outer relationships, and in the world at large.

2.  Now for next part: try using your two hands to play out an actual conversation between your critic and the part of you that gets criticized. Once you’re sure that you’ve differentiated between the two separate voices, and you’ve got a clear two-way dialogue going on, try to stay curious about what your critic has to say. No doubt the critic will trigger the part of you that’s feeling attacked, and when you’re triggered it becomes hard to want to pay attention to your attacker’s words. The good news is that since this abuse is coming from your own brain, you have the ability to change the abusive pattern into something helpful and supportive (which we’ll do next week). But first you need to know the actual content of both sides of the conversation.

It really is easiest to do this process the first time in the context of a coaching session – where I can help you track the conversation clearly – because the tendency at first is to get mixed up about the voice of criticizer and the one getting criticized – or to give up and side with the critic, without even realizing that you’ve given in.

Try the two-puppet-hands exercise a few times. With a little practice, it usually gets easier to stay on track about which hand is talking. This is a very effective way to build awareness of how your critic holds you in old patterns by using scare tactics. It’s important to notice what part of you your critic is talking to, and how that other part of you ends up feeling as a result.

I apologize if this is an uncomfortable place to leave you – with your critic hammering you again. We’re going to change that, but I don’t want to give you too much to work on all at once. It’s important to first notice the actual content of what the critic is saying – and what part of you it’s talking to.

Next time we’ll transform the abusive aspect of this inner conversation – so that it becomes a friendly and productive exchange. We’ll do this by guessing into the critic’s underlying feelings and needs.

If trying this by yourself feels confusing, or you run into a road-block, or it’s just too painful – please consider scheduling a session with me – and we’ll re-educate your inner critic together.

Otherwise, I look forward to sharing the last part of the inner critic taming process with you next time.

Here’s to taming that beast in your head – we’re almost there!

I’d love to know your thoughts after reading or listening to this blog post. Please consider emailing me with any feedback you have. And thanks so much for being here!