The Gift in Saying No

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Most of us enthusiastically start practicing how to say no when we’re about two years old. Saying no isn’t popular in my culture – even toddlers get a bad rap for it – we label that stage The Terrible Twos. And indeed, even a two year old wields a mighty and terrible power when sticking steadfastly to her convictions.

We may not like it, but life is full of no – the same way it is full of yes – and day and night, ease and challenge, fun and not-fun. Every two-year old knows about this see-saw of life. And toddlers are extremely congruent. Have you noticed? When they’re up, wow are they up – and when they’re down, they’re usually literally down on the floor tearfully lamenting or loudly wailing. No such thing as double signaling when you’re two years old.

I admire this kind of authenticity – and I strive for it in my own life, especially in my relationships. I just hope I’ve developed a bit more finesse around expressing myself than I had when I was two years old. I’ve got to say though, I’m still working on how to congruently say no with the kind of ease that comes naturally to toddlers yet sometimes evades us adults.

If a no is truly congruent – if the person saying no really means it through and through without questioning herself or feeling guilty or blaming anyone in the process – that’s powerful. Mostly we don’t like hearing no, but nearly two decades ago someone said no to me and it was such a generous gift that I’m still unpacking it – still appreciating that no, and learning from it. Here’s how it went.

I was running a non-profit organization and I asked Cheryl to serve on the board. She was a super busy person but you know what they say, “If you need to get something done – ask a busy person,” and Cheryl fit the bill – I knew that she was dedicated, smart, and generous. What I didn’t know, is that she proved very adept at saying no. When I asked her she said something like, “What you are doing is so important and I respect everyone involved for doing that work. I’m just really busy. If I said yes to being on your board I couldn’t give at my full capacity – I’d feel I was letting you down, and I would be letting myself down too. Since I can’t give my all, I know you would be better off with someone else, and so I have to say no.”

Cheryl said this all so warmly, without any apparent guilt, without even a tiny smidgen of an apology – without any double signals. I actually felt given to, rather than denied. Her clarity and compassion (for herself and for me) still impresses me: she demonstrated the power to relax into what she knew was true for herself, without making excuses for it.

How did Cheryl learn to say no so cleanly? I never asked her, but I imagine she was just as good at saying yes. I believe this about Cheryl  because of an interesting pattern I often witness with clients. When I’ve encouraged a client to stand up to someone or something that they’ve felt unable to say no to – and then they finally congruently do say no – a flood of relief washes over them, followed by a spacious calm. Then – in the next moment – this same client will bring up something that they enthusiastically want to say yes to. I’ve seen how the no makes way for the yes.

We can relax and feel safe when we give ourselves permission to say no. And once we set boundaries and move away from something – simple physics reveals that we are simultaneously moving toward something else. Moving away with a no, helps us recognize where it’s possible to move in with a yes. Like a toddler saying, “No – me – mine,” as she withholds her toy from another child – we cannot give authentically to others until we’ve established what our own limits are. When we are aware that we can freely say no, then we become truly free to say yes.

In teaching about the practice of mindfulness, I like how Jack Kornfield and Tara Brock express this natural need to reach in before reaching out, “Mindfulness has two wings and we need both to fly. One wing is awareness – the other is loving kindness.”

I think the first step is practicing an inner loving kindness toward our self – being willing to become aware of our own feelings & needs – and allowing our selves to be curious about what ever we find.

*For more about the importance of feelings and needs – take a look at my blogs: The Wisdom in Our Feelings and Feelings & Needs Lists.

I’d love to know your thoughts after reading or listening to this blog post. Please consider emailing me with any feedback you have. And thanks so much for being here!