Part 4 – The Inner Critic as Your Ally

In part three, I talked about noticing that there are two distinct roles or voices present whenever the critic is around: one voice is the critic – and the other voice is the one who’s getting criticized. Often times the one being criticized is afraid to speak up and just feels depressed, scared, or shut down. Last time we worked on teasing out both sides of the conversation. This may have been unpleasant – to actually pay attention to a tirade you usually marginalize – on account of the critic’s habit of being abusive.

But the first step in changing that painful pattern is to become aware of what the critic is saying – and then get the part of you at the receiving end of the criticism, to speak up so that you have a two-way conversation going on. Once that happens, you can translate the critic’s toxic language into something productive – and I will explain how to do that now.

Part two of the Inner Critic Taming Process

1.  The first thing – after you become aware of what the critic is saying and what part of you it’s aiming at – is to translate the critic’s harsh accusations and threats into feelings and needs. NVC—or Non-violent Communication is a great tool for this. You can access a list of feeling and need words in my blog – titled Feelings and Needs.

Please use these lists while you’re helping yourself – and your critic – learn to use Non Violent language.

It generally takes a bit of time before we can remember that there are many options for using words that accurately depict what’s authentically going on inside of us.

Translating criticism into feelings and needs keeps you and your critic talking in productive ways rather than getting stuck in blaming. You naturally might want to shut out that nasty critic – but if you can manage to stay curious about what’s being said, it’ll help you not get so triggered – since our brains cannot be curious and judgmental at the same time.

As an example of how Non Violent translation works, let’s go back to the scenario in my previous post where the critic attacks you for wanting to learn to dance. Remember the sentence where the critic said, “No one will want to dance with you.” That criticism could be translated into an NVC sentence of feelings and needs – you could use your curiosity (and the lists of feeling and need words) to guess into the feelings and needs in the background of the critic’s words.

The critic says, “No one will want to dance with you,” and your translated NVC sentence might go something like this, “Are you scared that I could feel hurt if no one dances with me – so you’re trying to keep me safe by preventing me from going?” Scared is a feeling, hurt is a feeling, and safety is a need. Now, in this translated sentence, the critic’s input is not expressed as an accusation or a warning any more – rather, it’s expressed as concern. The critic is scared you’ll get hurt and wants to keep you safe at home.

Let’s try translating another thing the critic said, “Dancing happens too late at night.” Looking for the underlying feelings and needs – that comment might translate into something like, “Are you worried that getting home late from dancing will deprive me of the sleep I need?” Worried is a feeling, and sleep is a need. Now in this translated sentence, the critic is trying to express concern again – a feeling of worry that you won’t get your sleep.

2.  The second thing, once we’ve distilled the critic’s message down to feelings and needs, and you can see that the critic is actually trying to express concern for your well-being – the next thing to realize is that this is an opportunity to appreciate the critic and acknowledge that the two parts of you are actually in agreement about something – both parts agree that your well-being is important. This is a golden opportunity to create connection over a shared concern!

For instance, in my first example above, the NVC version of the critic’s concern is, “Are you scared that I could feel hurt if no one dances with me – and you’re trying to keep me safe by preventing me from going?” Let’s say the critic says yes – then we proceed to thank the critic for its good intentions, and make the point that both parts of you agree that safety is important and no one wants to feel scared or hurt, “I see you’re feeling scared that I might get my feelings hurt. Thank you for trying to keep me safe. Neither of us likes getting hurt.”

3.  The third thing is to negotiate how you can both get your needs met: perhaps the dancing-hand, and the critic-hand could explore ways to prepare for the possibility of being turned down for a dance. If your critic agreed to have this type of conversation, you would be at a turning point – what I call the flip point. I’ll explain.

When you can appreciate the critic for its true intentions, “I see you’re feeling scared and you want to keep me safe from getting my feelings hurt. Thank you for looking out for me. Neither of us wants to get hurt.” If the critic is able to take this in as true, then that critic part relaxes. This is the flip point – When the two parts of you are no longer acting against each other – they’re on the same side when they both agree that they don’t like getting hurt. The flip point happens when both parts have gone from seeing each other as the problem, to identifying a problem that they can work on solving together. They’ve flipped from being on opposite sides and seeing each other as opponents, to being on the same side and together addressing the problem of possibly getting hurt feelings at the dance.

Once there’s even the briefest moment when your two hands are not on opposite sides – then, right away – the next step is negotiation. Both sides can negotiate a dancing strategy that gets their mutual need for sleep met – or their mutual need for dealing with hurt feelings met. It won’t work to try and come up with a solution until your hands reach the flip point and both are working together at solving a common problem or concern.

OK, so now it’s time to tune into your own inner dialogue and put your own critic energy into one of your hands. Put the other part of you that’s getting criticized into your other hand. Feel into what your critic hand is saying to your other hand. Listen to the words of your critic and refer to the Feeling and Need Lists blog post to pick out a feeling word and a need word that fit the message your critic is trying to give you.

Don’t worry if you aren’t able to easily pick the right words on the first try. It often takes several guesses before we come up with the feeling and need words that fit where the critic is really coming from. This is a process of discovery; stay curious. You’ll know you have it right when the critic-hand agrees with your guess. At this point you’ll likely feel some tension drain away, because you and your critic have just agreed on something. Maybe for the first time ever!

Now these two parts of you can negotiate like teammates. It may take awhile before your critic changes its abusive delivery and adopts a new habit of civility, but once the inner critic feels listened to and valued, a new pattern of cooperation can begin. A key here is finding a shared value or need between the two different parts of you. Once both parts agree on a common need – then they can find a strategy that meets that shared need. This really does work.

As you learn to negotiate with your critic, it’ll become more and more constructive over time. Remember, the inner critic is wired to guard against anything that might threaten your physical or social survival – like not getting enough sleep, or feeling humiliated on the dance floor. When you and your critic stop spending so much time and energy attacking and defending, you can get down to talking about the heart of the issue – and find creative solutions to meet the various aspects of your needs.

Once one part of you is no longer trying to batter or intimidate another part – you’re likely to experience inner congruence like never before. When we quit arguing with our self we feel less anxiety, more energy, and greater ease. Then you’ll find that your decision-making processes will be quicker, simpler, and more sustainable.

I’ve seen amazing results from doing inner critic work with my clients over the years.

But, it’s not always easy to try out these new ideas by yourself. So if this seems like too much – please do schedule a session and we’ll go through the whole process together. I’m excited for you to see that befriending and re-educating your inner critic is really very do-able! 

I’d love to know your thoughts after reading or listening to this blog post. Please consider emailing me with any feedback you have. And thanks so much for being here!